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Life-aholics Anonymous Rob
Heater Summer
Service July 13, 2008 Hello
everybody and welcome to Life-aholics Anonymous at 1st Unitarian
Church in Des Moines, IA. My name is Rob H. and I am a Life-aholic (Hi Rob). I
have been a Life-aholic since April, 3 1969. You may be thinking that you are
addicted to life too. OK- lets see a
show of hands how many people here are addicted to life? OK so if we are all
addicted to life and that is a good thing what do I mean by Life-aholic? A Life-aholic
is addicted to life going their way. My
topic today is Resentment and how it is better to give than to receive a
resentment. But seriously… You may be
thinking to yourself what do you mean by the word resentment. There are many
definitions of the word resentment. One of my favorites is derived by breaking
the word into it’s parts re- doing again and sentment meaning feeling. Resentment
means feeling again or wallowing in the feelings generated by things that
happened a long time ago or as recently as this morning on his way to church, when
that son of a….. nevermind. Webster’s
defines a resentment as “a feeling of indignant
displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or
injury”. The part that stands out to me is persistent
ill will. Some people base their whole lives on resentments things that
happened to them when they were children or as adults, some people justify
their actions based on their resentments. I call this blaming other people. “It's
your fault. You're to blame.”; “If only you wouldn’t have I wouldn’t have…”,
“Don’t blame Then is then and now is now and what am
I going to do about now? I can’t live
in the past. I can’t live in the future. Now is the only time I have. So living
one day at a time is very helpful to Live-aholics. Their
must be a benefit to blaming others or else I would not do it. What benefits do
I get out of blaming others for my problems? I can shift responsibility for my problems to
you, I don’t feel as guilty for my bad actions, I actually can place myself in
the victim role, I can get sympathy from friends and love ones for the
injustices I am enduring and I can hold onto ongoing resentments that can be
used to justify more bad actions. I
often build up my expectations to the point where if you do not perform to my
satisfaction then I become resentful and lash out at you. So my problem is of
my own making. If I have a problem it is because I can not accept you for who
you are. Anger is the red flag. Whenever
I get angry I know there is a problem with me. I
can often anticipate your actions and yet still be mad at you for doing what I
think you are going to do. Or even set you up to make me mad. One time I was
driving down the freeway and I saw a lady getting on and we were meeting at the
top of the ramp. I had traveled this road many times and I anticipated that she
would cut me off because she would want to merge in at the top of the ramp. But
I did not change lanes, this is my lane!
I knew she had her own lane for a bout a half of a mile but I guessed that she
did not know that. Sure enough she merged and cut me off. I had to slam on my
brakes to avoid hitting her. She did exactly what I thought she was going to
do. But now I am mad and I am chasing her down the freeway honking my horn, and
contemplating running her off the road. The
moral of this story is without being spiritually connected I can anticipate
your actions, refuse to change course and be mad at you for what I know you are
going to do. If I am in a good place spiritually, I can change my actions, drop
my expectations and let you be who you are. They
say that expectations are rehearsed resentments. (I REPEAT) If I can keep my
mind on my acceptance and off of my expectations, for my serenity is directly
proportional to my level of acceptance. When I remember this, I can see I never
had it so good. Would
you rather be right or happy? I would rather be happy being right.
Unfortunately for me being right does not make me happy it makes me righteous. How
exactly do I let you be who you are? That would imply that I accept you. And
acceptance is not easy with people who are doing things I do not like. I have
immeasurable acceptance of people doing things I do like. Isn’t there a line
that people cross where you say this I can’t accept you have gone too far. They
say there was this guy a couple thousand years ago and they were nailing him to
a cross and he said “forgive them they know not what they do” so evidently
forgiveness goes up to and including being nailed to a cross. But being nailed
to a cross is happening to you. Cutting me off in traffic is happening to me. When
something bad happens I can expect to be upset about it, when I become angry,
indignant and incensed about I turn up the pain. It’s as if there is a
generally accepted pain meter. Let’s say for example that when someone steals
from you that is equal to 2000 units of pain and everyone feels that amount of
pain in this situation. But I am terribly angry at that person stealing from ME. How could they do that to me? Don’t
they know who I am? So now I have turned the pain meter up to 5000 units of
pain. But the 3000 units are optional. OK
so now that we are willing to be rid of the resentment, mainly because it has
become painful enough. The question becomes how does one get over a resentment.
One way is to pray for people that you resent. I hear you…pray they get hit by
a bus right? What I learned was to pray
that this person may have every thing that I may want in my life so they can be
happy, joyous and free. Another
way is to do nice anonymous things for the person. Another
is to treat that person like a king or a queen. OK,
Rob sure now you have me acting like a doormat. I just have to take all the abuse and turn the other
cheek. I
don’t have to put up with them I can just shun them. Just terminate my
relationship with that person. Take my ball and go home. Sometimes that is
possible and sometimes that is not possible. However
sometimes we can’t forget about how much we hate that person whether we are
still in a relationship with them or not. And without truly forgiving them and the
way they treated us it spills over into how we treat ourselves. We internalize
those bad feelings and they leak into other areas of our lives. This might be
called low self esteem. Resentment is the poison that I drink and hope that
you die. That
other person is skipping down the merry path while I am losing sleep and hating
them. Do
you love them? Then why are you giving them free rent in your head? Remember
getting over resentments and hatred towards people is not necessarily for them
it is for me. It is hard enough to go through life with the stuff life throws
at you but it is even harder dragging around 1986. Take
a look at the quote at the top of the OOS. “I
must forgive injuries, not just in words, or as a matter of form, but in my
heart. I do this not for the other persons' sake, but for my own sake.
Resentment, anger, or a desire to see someone punished, are things that rot my
soul. Such things fasten my troubles to me with chains.” What
about justified resentments? Aren’t there times where I have the right to be
angry? It really is their fault and I had nothing to do with it. Sure you have
the right to be angry, resentful, spiteful and revengeful. But is that really
how you want to live your life? Not me. I want to be free of those negative
emotions. People want to be around people who can roll with the punches. Don’t
we all respect people who have overcome very negative situations and responded
with love for their fellow man. Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King leap to
mind here. Gene
Robinson, the 1st confirmed gay Anglican Bishop, was told by a
fellow priest when he came out of the closet, that sharing communion with him
was not permissible. He was basically saying that he was cast out of their church.
Robinson continued to offer the hand of fellowship to this man as time went
along. At a clergy conference this minister told Bishop Robinson that “I have
done everything the church has asked me to, I have believed everything I have
been told to believe, and I am unhappy.” (Do I want to be right or happy?) That
priest was later afflicted by Parkinson’s disease. When that man came to Bishop
Robinson’s home he found a handicapped accessible lift that was built years
prior to his accepting Bishop Robinsons continual invitations to fellowship.
Bishop Robinson sat with that priest at the end of his life and loved him. If
Bishop Robinson had held a grudge could he have been of service? There
is always someone who has it worse than me. I was sad because I had no shoes-
then I met a man with no feet. Can I not look at the things that I am grateful
for? Could this be another way to overcome resentment? Can I be grateful for
the things that person has taught me? Maybe I was too trusting. I think it is
good to trust but I can’t give everyone my credit cards and say have a good
time. Maybe I could make a gratitude list. It is hard to be hateful when you
are grateful. An attitude of gratitude is very helpful to this Life-aholic. Many
times my resentments are based on fear. Fear that I am not going to get
something I want or lose something I think I deserve. Fear knocked on the door
and Faith answered and there was nobody there. It is going to be all right. It
is all ready all right. FEAR Future Events Appearing Real, I know the future,
right…. If I knew the future I would be a lot richer. Sometimes I get
resentments about stuff I know you are going to do. Why wait until we have an
actual interaction. Let’s get mad right up front. When
I am angry it shows me the threshold of my spiritual growth. In order to grow spiritually, I have to move
past the current limits of my love and acceptance. Anger/resentment is one way of showing me
when I need to love more. It is
impossible for me to forgive you and not grow closer to a higher being. And this growth is not limited to my
emotional state. It runs into every area
of my life. When I forgive you I end up being better equipped to be the father,
husband, co-worker, etc that I am meant to be. Often
I am indulging in my own ego and the person did not mean me any harm. That
situation may just be considered a slight, a perceived insult. You remember
High School don’t you- some one bumped into you and did not say they were sorry
and the fight was on….so sensitive.
I can’t always wear my emotions on my sleeve. It is not always about me. Speaking
of High School, still holding grudges towards those people? It’s probably been
awhile since you were there… Why not let them off the hook. Go to that reunion.
I went to my 20th last summer. It was great. I did not make a lot of
new friends but I did realize something that good living is the best revenge. I
even ran into a person that I had my one and only High School fight with.
Ironically he was living around the corner from me at the time. He said to me “I’m
not wanting any problems.” And I said
something to the same effect. Then we started talking about kids and normal
stuff. That situation is now water under the bridge. Didn’t
Martin Luther King say “the truth will set you free”? But someone else said but
first it will make you mad. I know this sounds crazy but maybe that person is
right. I know that is a remote possibility…but it could be true that they are
acting on or speaking their version of the truth. I
am not going to like everyone and not everyone is going to like me. Can I be OK
with that? Can I treat them better than they deserve to be treated. Kill them
with kindness. This
may be a spiritually sick person you are dealing with. Can we treat them like a
sick person? Anger and resentment is not how we treat sick people. What
about resentments towards people we love? Why can’t I give them the same leeway
I might offer a stranger? Do I hold them to a higher standard and dole out
punishment accordingly? Perhaps
that person is having a bad day. Can I let them off the hook? Do I have to
agree with them to accept them? Does acceptance mean that I think whatever that
person is doing is OK? People have to face consequences for their actions. But am
I the judge, jury and executioner? Sometimes I think I would like to be. Can
I let them be who they are? They probably did not get up this morning and think
how can I get Rob? If
it is always their fault- I am always their victim. I can’t live in the victim
role. I can’t change them. I have no power over them. God grant me the serenity to accept the
things I cannot change, (You) courage to change the things I can, (Me) and the wisdom to know the difference.
(What is your stuff and what is my stuff) Are
we all equal? Are we all children of the universe? Is there a bit of bad in the
best of us is there a bit of good in the worst of us. Aren’t we all worthy of
salvation? Do
I agree with Anne Frank when she wrote, “Despite everything, I believe that
people are really good at heart.”? Can
I take a step back and see that person from another perspective - perhaps a
higher power’s perspective? When
I close my heart to you am I not excluding you? Casting you out, saying you are
not worthy of the grace of God. Ed
Mutum was 21 when his father was murdered during a robbery and for 28 years
harbored ill feelings towards his father’s killers. One of the people involved
in the crime was Sherman White. A 17 year old who was a look out during the
crime. Sherman’s conviction was thrown out by appeals court. During the time
span he was in prison Ed, who had become a Reverend was preaching a sermon on
forgiveness and decided to forgive his father’s killers. And when they asked
him if Sherman should be tried again he said no and that if he got out and
needed a place to stay, Sherman could stay with him. Well Sherman did come to
stay with Ed after he was released until he got on his feet. With
this Pollyanna attitude you might say the world is going to run you over. That
people will always take advantage of you.
Remember the story about the monk he helped that lady with no
expectation of anything in return. Not even a thanks. For fun and for free…a
servant. Helping others, even the surly ones, is the foundation of a happy life
and recovery from my life-aholism.
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